This last week has been pretty normal but has also been one I've found hard. Hard 'cos Ngaire's daytime sleeping has been a bit out of whack since Nat and Ben's wedding and hard 'cos I've been trying to think about what it means to serve God each day in 'wife-and-mummy life'. As with most things life-ish, I'm finding it hard work! How do I serve Eion when I'm really stuffed by the time he gets home and don't feel like caring for someone else? Help!
These last two days in particular have been hard. Ngaire hasn't slept well during the day and hasn't been breastfeeding well either and I'm waking up earlier than I'd like to (ie earlier than bubs) and can't seem to get back to sleep. Brain just gets going as soon as I wake up and it's very hard to stop. Ahhh, the perils of having tendencies towards anxiety! Why can't I just trust God and be confident in him?
It probably doesn't help that I've been struggling to read my bible regularly this last fortnight ... I have done it a bit and it's been worthwhile when I have but just hard work. Guess that makes me normal. But not doing it regularly enough makes keeping a right perspective on life very difficult; it's so easy to get overwhelmed by all sorts of anything.
So, after a rough few days (well, a bit physically but especially emotionally) I'm left wondering what it means to live life in God's strength and not my own ... do I have to be having a hard time for it to be obvious (to me and to others) that I'm not relying on myself? Or is it okay to just know and acknowledge that whatever I do, it's always in his strength?
And I'm left waiting ... waiting for my body to work like I want it to ... waiting for the day when I can talk to Ngaire about sleep stuff and know she understands (yes, am sure I will be wishing she was quiet again once we get to that time!) ... waiting for my heart to catch up to my head - I know God's trustworthy but I find it so hard to 'know' that in my heart ... waiting 'til God makes me into the kind of wife my husband should have ... hmmm, I guess that all means I'm waiting for Jesus' return.
Still waiting ...
